I’m Someone’s Daughter
*TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT*
In the United States 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. But for black women in the US, that statistic is higher. Around the world women are supporting women and having their stories heard, breaking the stigma and seeking justice. But the fight isn’t over in the world of sexual assault and race. It’s time to fucking talk about sexual assault and race. Read this Anonymous Interviewee’s journey below.
Tell me about yourself before the assault.
“Before I was sexually assaulted I was pretty inexperienced. I had only had sex with a couple people, one being my then boyfriend and the other was a guy I really liked. I never found myself with a ton of guys into me, so I guess I didn’t have many options which was totally fine with me. Before the assault I never struggled with serious mental health issues. I never had anxiety or depression.”
What can you tell me about the night you were assaulted?
“I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I was going out with friends on a normal Friday night. We pregamed at a girlfriend’s house and then went to a couple different frat parties. This was also before COVID-19 so the parties were absolutely massive, shoulder to shoulder type of parties. I think we went to 2 or 3 different houses before staying at one for the rest of the night. We got there around 1 or 2 in the morning and my friends and I were all pretty drunk so it’s still somewhat blurry looking back on.
“My friends and I went upstairs to hang out in this guys room. He was a year older but we knew some of his friends and the party was dying down so we just went up to hang out with them. I think it ended up being like me and two of my friends and then five or six of them. By like 3 am I felt pretty sobered up so I asked for a drink from the guys. One guy gave me the rest of his vodka drink, which I gladly took because I hate beer, and after that drink everything went completely black.”
What happened when you woke up?
“So I wake up in a completely different house. I was in some kids room who I had never met and was never with me the previous night. I was completely naked and my body was so cold it was shaking. It was probably around 5 am, still dark out. There was blood in between my legs (from sex) and my underwear was ripped. I was still pretty fucked up so I just grabbed my clothes and walked back home. I was confused and horrified.”
“Once I got back to my house I fell walking up the stairs, which woke one of my roommates up (I lived with all of my best friends). She came out and saw the blood on my legs and knew something wasn’t right so she brought me down to our kitchen and got me water. I was barely speaking words because I literally had no idea what happened. Not a clue. She eventually woke up the rest of my roommates and we talked about what I should do. We were back and forth about calling the police because my phone was lost (couldn’t track it) and I had no idea where I had walked from since I was still somewhat on Xanax and alcohol. I think after talking for around two hours I agreed to go to the hospital for a toxicity test and a rape kit. I didn’t want to call the police at first because I am a woman of color (biracial) and police interactions never make me feel safe.”
How soon after did you go to the hospital? What was that experience like?
“Well I really wanted to shower but my roommates convinced me that there could potentially be DNA or something important on my body they could use during the rape kit, so they took me over around 11 or 12.
“When I got there they started a rape kit. It's a pretty tedious test and took a while. Then I eventually had to talk to some police officers, which I didn’t want to do because initially I didn’t want to press charges. They asked routine questions, like what happened and what I remembered. I was pretty lucky and had all women nurses and officers, two of which were black. I also think race can play a role in cases like these, where a white man rapes a black woman, so that was in the back of my mind during this entire thing. Anyway, they took tons of samples from my body and hundreds of photos. They also did a toxicity report and found Xanax in me, which must have been the roofie.”
Did you follow through with the case?
“I decided to follow through with the case and find out who raped me. I wanted him to be locked up. No one should ever have to go through what I went through, but constantly people are. I didn’t want him to do it to anyone else.
“It took a lot of courage to tell my parents. I was partly ashamed and thought maybe it was my fault, though it wasn’t. The hardest part was telling my Dad. I’m his daughter and any decent parent wants nothing but safety for their children. With the help from my parents and therapist, we worked with a lawyer to eventually press charges.
“The whole thing got crazy pretty quickly. He had multiple charges years ago which plays into my situation. We are still in the middle of the case and it's been over a year. No justice has been served but it will be. COVID-19 has unfortunately played a role in getting this court case done but it's being finalized right now.”
Did you want to know the unanswered questions from that night?
“Yes and no. I didn’t care to hear about who the person was or his story, but I wanted to see his face and name. Through DNA and interviews with other people at the party they easily found the guy (plus he was a student at my school). It's unanswered if he gave me the roofie or not, but I don’t really care. He raped me and that's that.
“I didn’t want details of what actually happened but I eventually found out when police were putting together what happened.”
Earlier you said race played a role in your experience. Can you dive deeper into that?
“Yes. Race plays a role in everyday life no matter what. I was always scared about the fact I would potentially not get justice due to the color of my skin. It happens every single day and costs people their lives. It's a terrifying time for people of color right now, whether you’re just walking down the street or you’re fucking raped. Racism is real and that's a fact. There is also just plain statistic evidence correlating black women and sexual assault.
“I’d also say another way race played into it was a somewhat positive way. When you’re having your body touched and scraped hours after your rape for evidence its never comfortable. But I had two amazing nurses helping me through it, one being black. Even just having a black nurse made me feel just an ounce more comfortable because we share similar skin.”
How has your journey through this been? How are you today?
“Everyday is different but I’m starting to gain things back. After the rape I lost trust, self confidence, dignity, happiness, and many other things. I’m working on getting those back. I love my therapist and have a great group of friends and family helping me when I need it. Without them I couldn’t do it.
“I still have nights where I don’t sleep. I still have severe anxiety when I’m alone. I’m learning to deal with those things, but I’m also learning that those symptoms might be with me for life. I’m a survivor and that's what's important.”
If you could give advice to someone who has been through a similar situation, what would you say?
“It's not your fault. Stop making excuses for the person who did this to you. No woman or man, no matter what race, deserves to be abused in any manner especially sexually. I would also say if you’re comfortable enough, get help as soon as possible. I truly think if I waited, I wouldn’t have had the outcome I did now. I know of girls who have gotten rape kits too late and lacked DNA evidence. Things like that. Act soon because your fucking worth it and you could save someone else by doing so.
“I would also just say to anyone reading this to support the people around you, especially BIPOC right now. Rape or not, it is an essential time to support black lives.”
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, USE THESE RESOURCES BELOW:
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Organization for Victim Assistance: https://www.trynova.org/who-we-are/
National Sexual Violence Resource Center: https://www.nsvrc.org/
Ujima (The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community): https://ujimacommunity.org/
