The Stimulated Simulation
*TRIGGER WARNING: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, ADDICTION*
The prevalence of stimulants in high school and college is so massive that it's almost normalized. On any given day at any given school, you could find dozens of kids taking their morning Vyvanse or Ritalin, another dozen kids buying it, and another dozen selling it. To put the cherry on top, you have the massive amount of people using cocaine. Whether it's a line here and there or every morning, people everywhere are using it to the point of normalcy.
Today I’m excited for you to read this anonymous interviewee’s journey through her stimulant abuse and her recovery. These drugs are everywhere and it’s important to know the risks associated with them. Its time to fucking talk about stimulant abuse.
Before we get into the stimulant addiction itself, let’s talk about your life in high school (or even before if you want).
“I grew up pretty lucky. I grew up in a wealthy area of a major city and went to a small, private, college prep school. My friends in high school are still some of my best friends today, and I have a great support system through my family. Obviously all schools are hard, but in a private school with such a small grade it got super competitive. I played a couple sports in high school, nothing too serious. I think the hardest part of high school was the college process because of how secretive and competitive people were with each other. It was like, if your first choice isn’t an Ivy League why are you even attending [high school name].
“I had an amazing boyfriend who loved me. We started dating my senior year after we both chose to go to the same school (not because of each other, we just both ended up going to the same place). We dated until the end of my sophomore year when things got bad. I also had the most awesome friends in high school and college, they have supported me through everything and are still my best friends today.”
Would you consider yourself someone who legitimately struggles from ADD or ADHD?
“Honestly no. I was able to go through most of my high school years with good grades and not take it on a daily basis. It was nice to have for certain things like finals or SATs (at first). I think Adderall, Vyvanse, Ritalin, all of those are probably over prescribed. Which is kind of fucked since it's such an addictive drug.”
Was the college process when you started using stimulants? Or before?
“I was prescribed Vyvanse around freshmen/sophomore year of high school, so I guess I technically started using then. But at that age I hated the side effects so I wouldn’t ever take them.
“I started taking my prescription around junior year when prepping for the SAT. I remember the first practice test I did. I took my Vyvanse and got a pretty decent score, which was surprising for me. I thought it was just luck or something so I didn’t bother taking it for the next couple of practice tests, and I simply didn’t do as well on them. So basically I started taking Vyvanse for every SAT practice test throughout my junior year of high school and I did pretty well on the real test. If I hadn’t been taking my prescription I would’ve gotten well below what I ended up with honestly.”
So do you credit your SAT scores and grades in high school/college to your Vyvanse?
“Yes and no. Yes because the Vyvanse put me in overdrive to focus during tests which was a plus because I didn’t get extra time. It also got me through the amount of work I needed to actually sit down and do. But at the same time, not really because I studied so hard for things and for the SAT I spent around a year preparing and taking tests. Like the Vyvanse didn’t teach me how to solve an equation, it just helped me be able to learn how to do it if that makes sense.”
When did you start using stimulants more often?
“Senior year of high school. I kind of wanted to try something new so I got Adderall instead of Vyvanse, just because they have different side effects for some people. I loved Adderall way more than Vyvanse so I would take it daily. It started to get iffy because I would take my Adderall on a Friday, and then take another like Friday night before going out to drink with my friends. My parents were fine with drinking but they always told me not to mix the two, which I obviously ended up doing. I liked it because it would keep me up and energized all night and I would feel drunker faster. I don’t know the science or anything behind it, but when you drink on Adderall it literally feels like 1 drink is 2, and it's super dangerous.”
Ok so getting on the topic of using it socially, did you get into other drugs?
“Yep. In college I used Adderall every single time I went out. I needed the high to interact with people. After a couple weeks of that, the effects wore off, so I got a higher dosage. Same thing happened but I knew I couldn’t up the dosage again, the doctor isn’t stupid. So I started to lean into coke a bit, which I loved. My routine was to snort 25mg of Adderall before I went out, drink til I couldn’t anymore, then do a line or two to sober up and go home and go to bed.”
Tell me about your cocaine use throughout the years?
“I had done coke for the first time in maybe senior year of high school, but looking back it was shitty coke and I didn’t feel anything. I started regularly doing it in college and loved it right away. It would elevate my energy and I needed it to keep up with the party scene at my college (I go to a massive party school, coke is everywhere). Adderall just didn’t do it for me the way coke did. Looking back on my freshman year at school, I probably ripped through $2000 just from buying cocaine, not to mention the amount that I would just use for free.
“Like I said, Adderall couldn’t keep up with coke in my head. So I started doing coke sober the way I would use Adderall in highschool (before a test, to study, etc). At that point I was doing it every half an hour on any given day. I was addicted as fuck and absolutely needed it. One time I was so desperate and I knew my guy friends had some, so while they were throwing a party I switched my empty bag of coke with his full bag of coke. Like fully stealing it whenever I could. I didn’t have a job in college and I couldn’t afford a cocaine lifestyle.
“I am so lucky I didn’t kill myself from the sheer amount I was doing a day. In reality coke is everywhere, but most people who use it socially don’t use it at the caliber that I did. I could literally go through multiple grams in a single day. Coke and alcohol became my main thing. I was consumed and they were my life at that point.”
How did cocaine and Adderall make you feel, both emotionally and physically?
“Adderall or other meds like that made me focus and get my work done. In all honesty though it would put me in bad moods sometimes and the crash from it afterwards put me in a WORSE mood.
“Coke kind of did the opposite for me, it made me hyper and talkative. It made me feel superhuman until it eventually turned me into a zombie. So I guess that's when you know you’re abusing the drug.”
You say that coke and alcohol were your life. How were you as a person at that point?
“By my sophomore year I was a walking zombie. I would lie to all my friends and family about where I was, where my money went, why I was in terrible moods all the time. My boyfriend and I broke up later that year and to this day I know it was my fault, but that was an important learning experience for me. I would get so fucked up at parties and pass out in random places with random people, he was the most supportive person in my life but by then all he was doing was worrying about me.
“But yeah, I can confidently look back at that point and say I was ruining relationships, my education, my body, and other people. I am so lucky to have friends who stayed with me through that shit, because those were the ones worrying day and night about me. But at the time I didn’t care about them, I cared about the next line of coke and the next shot of vodka.”
What was the turning point for you to give up the cocaine lifestyle?
“It was a build up of a couple things. First of all I was broke and couldn’t afford it. Second of all the high from coke was simply wearing off. I wasn’t doing it because of the feeling anymore, I was doing it because I needed it to function.
“I was skin and bones. I looked like a drug addict because I was. Before I gave up drugs I would look in the mirror and see a walking zombie. That was a big reason I stopped.
“The very last time I used cocaine was the worst of it, and I guess I’d say the main turning point. I picked up 2 grams for the night, and went off to the bar with my friends around 9:00PM. By 10:30 I had 7 drinks and a whole gram of coke done. And by this point I wouldn’t even have fun anymore. I would dance to distract myself from the feeling my heart was going to explode and I would drink to not feel so low from the coke. When my friends and I went to the next bar I lost my phone, wallet, and coat. We showed up to the next bar with my boyfriend and his friends and I just remember him looking so sad. He ordered me a drink and asked how much I had done. I was honest with him and he was terrified. Later on I couldn’t walk or talk, again I was just a zombie. Probably an hour later he took me home and slept next to me to make sure I was alive.
“I don’t remember any of that. I was told this the next morning, like I was every morning for years prior to that.”
Did you wake up and know it was time to stop?
“Yep. That was the final straw. It was the end of my sophomore year and summer was coming, so I really did not want to go to rehab. I came clean with my boyfriend and friends, telling them the truth of my whereabouts, spending, mental state, physical state, and emotional state. It hurt a lot of them because I lied to their faces so many times. But thankfully everyone stuck by my side and that summer I went cold turkey. The withdrawal got so bad I eventually checked myself into a rehab center which worked for me. I talked to people and felt like I wasn’t alone in the whole situation.
“I haven’t touched a drug since.
“With talking to my therapists and doctors, I have been safely drinking again, having a few drinks with friends here and there.
“I know people reading will wonder, but yes we broke up soon after I got out of rehab. It was bittersweet. Our love was real, but I had given up drugs and needed a fresh start. I couldn’t love him while fighting to stay clean, and he knew that. We still talk occasionally, but for now we’re living in different cities.”
How is life without drugs?
“It's amazing. I’m still alive, I still go out with my friends, I dance with them and I meet people who I never would’ve if I stayed with the drugs. I’m so happy. The road I took to recover wasn’t easy but I’m meant to be where I am today.
What is a piece of advice to give to someone abusing stimulants?
“I would say be aware. Be aware when it's getting dangerous and get help right then and there, don’t wait like I did. I missed out on so much and don’t remember nights I wish I did. I knew when I was out of control but I didn’t care. My advice is to care.”
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH A DRUG ADDICTION, PLEASE GET HELP. RESOURCES ARE BELOW:
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Addiction Severity Index (“Provides a structured clinical interview designed to collect information about substance use and functioning in life areas from adult clients seeking drug abuse treatment.”): https://eprovide.mapi-trust.org/instruments/addiction-severity-index
The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA): https://www.drugabuse.gov/
