One Day at a Time
Depression is something that runs rampant through our generation, but is scarcely talked about. In 2017 alone, 7.3% of people ages 18-24 were suffering with depression. Bringing that into closer context, a big argument today is the rising number of people suffering from mental health issues, like depression, due to COVID-19. Either way, the sheer amount of people suffering in silence is a big problem in our world, and each voice speaking up about their struggle makes a difference. This week I am lucky enough to share a story from someone very close to me. She is a bubbly, beautiful, caring person who’s story touches so many people. Keep reading to hear her journey with mental health and how she’s on the road to recovery. It’s time to fucking talk about depression.
Tell me about your childhood and what life was like for you growing up.
“I grew up in a single parent home, my mom raised me. But that wasn’t forever because my step dad came into the picture towards the end of elementary school. I grew up in an all white community and family, I’m mixed, so I guess that was difficult and hard to manage growing up. I always felt different from people, I think that started as a racial thing and then turned into me realizing I was just different personality wise. I've always been told that I’m an “old soul” and “mature for my age” which I didn’t really understand but definitely makes sense now that I’m older. I’m technically not an only child, I have two brothers but I don’t know them, because they’re my dad's kids. My mom and my birth dad were never married and he is not in the picture, he kind of sucks. My stepdad is my dad, anyone who knows me knows him as my father. I think growing up without the dad who ‘created me’ was hard because I didn’t really understand why he wasn’t around and I blamed myself for him being gone. “
Do you think growing up a different race than your parents affected your mental health? If so how?
“Not necessarily in a huge way but I think it was a trigger for my insecurity. I have always struggled with feeling different from my peers so it was hard having to come home and feel that way too. I felt like I couldn’t necessarily talk to my parents about some things because they wouldn’t get it. They didn’t and never will understand what it’s like to be a woman of color, especially black, in America and at times I might have resented them for that. When I was younger and still figuring out who I was, I hated that I looked so different from my parents. But, as I grew up I realized that it was somewhat of a privilege to have white parents and to be mixed race. There’s a real privilege in being lighter skinned, which is something a lot of people don’t realize or talk about. It doesn’t take away from the injustice or difficulties but it can definitely make life a little easier than someone who is darker skinned.”
What was it like getting diagnosed with depression at such a young age? How did you deal with that?
“Honestly I don’t even know, I don’t think I understood what “depressed” meant until I was older. When I was younger I used it as an excuse for my actions I think, and thought that “being depressed” was the reason I am how I am. I didn’t learn until later that there were so many other aspects and I couldn’t blame my actions and choices on just one thing. Other things such as my anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, those all played a part as well but I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was sad and angry.”
If you could, how would you explain your depression to someone?
“Oh god, I have no fucking clue. It's like swimming underwater but the water is actually jell-o, so it’s really hard to move around in and you can see the top but the jell-o is restricting you from being able to get to the top. Does that make sense? Every time I think I'm close to the top, I adjust my eyes and I'm actually further than I realized. Besides that, it's really hard to deal with because it comes in waves and it's different every time. I have episodes of mania every now and then which really affects my depression and my actions. The mania causes me to fixate on a feeling, which is usually sadness/irritation/anger etc, so I can be in that state of mind for a long time and it can get pretty bad. The mania is basically my brain going into auto-drive and that can be a severely depressed state or a more manic state of mind. The fixation and all of that also stems from my OCD, so once my mind is made up or something shifts it's really hard to get out of it. There's just so many layers to it that it's hard to explain.”
Did your mental health shift in high school? If so, in what way and how did you cope with that?
”Oh yeah for sure, it definitely got worse because I became way more aware of myself and my feelings. My senior year was extremely hard because all my best friends had graduated and I felt completely alone. I couldn’t talk to them about my problems because I felt like such a child compared to their ‘college issues’ so I kept it all to myself. I was suffering from such bad depression and I had no idea why or where it came from. I would isolate myself in my free periods or lunch and would sob cry on my drive home from school everyday. I remember having panic attacks at school and going to the farthest bathroom so I could hyperventilate in private, it sucked. My depression got really bad and I remember sitting outside one day, alone, and thinking about how if I had ran away right then no one would notice I was gone. I ended up drinking a lot that year, blacking out and stuff. I hooked up with boys who I hated and it made me feel like shit, but I did it anyway. I regret all of it, and at the time I knew I hated what I was doing but I didn’t care. High school was dumb overall, honestly the only good year was sophomore year and even that wasn’t great.”
What got you through those tough days in high school?
“The thought of graduation. I wanted to get the hell out of high school and Atlanta so badly, it was the only thing that kept me going. Funny thing is, graduation was a horrible day for me. I realized how alone I was that day, which made me regret a lot of the actions I took during those four years. When you're sitting in your car downtown alone and crying while everyone from your grade is celebrating with friends, that's when you realize how alone you are. That's how my graduation day was, it ended with me crying all night long in my room. It’s so sad to look back on now, it’s sad to think of how much I isolated myself from my grade.”
What was it like going to college so far from home?
“A blessing and a curse. I wanted to be far away because I wanted to be away from my parents and my high school life. I wanted to basically start fresh. If I could have gone to school on the fucking moon I would have. At first I absolutely loved it, it was everything I could have ever wanted and more. I loved meeting people from different places and I liked not knowing anyone, I could be anyone I wanted to be. But as my freshman year went on I realized how uncomfortable I was and how I honestly wasn’t cut out for the “Boulderland vibes”. I tried to be someone I wasn’t and it backfired. I filled out the paperwork to withdraw and leave after my first semester but my parents convinced me to stick it out for the rest of the year. I will say though, being so far from home made me more independent and somewhat more confident. I didn’t have my parents or high school friends to fall back on, I only had myself.
Tell me about your struggles in 2019. How did you get through that?
“2019 was easily the most depressed I have ever been. Most of that year is a complete blur and I don’t really remember much of it. That was also when I was drinking my most, which means blacking out 4-5 times a week. I was so fucking severely depressed it was insane and really scary. Something switched inside me and all of a sudden my life was completely dark and horrible, it's hard to explain how it happens. I had no energy to be alive or a functioning human, which is why I drank so much. I had somehow forgotten, or just didn’t have the energy, to express genuine emotions. I would over exaggerate my feelings and thoughts so I wasn’t so ‘monotone’ and ‘depressed sounding’, when in reality I didn’t care about anything. Not to mention, I was in the worst and most toxic relationship ever. It was so unhealthy, manipulative and mentally abusive. All my friends hated him but I secretly felt like I deserved to be treated that way, which is why I stayed. God, I was so depressed. I had no care in the world for myself, my friends, my grades, school, family and life in general. I was put on academic probation and ended the year with a .94 gpa, so embarrassing. Not a good time.”
Did your relationship at the time affect your mental health? If so, how?
“100% yes. I really thought I loved my boyfriend, but I honestly think it was Stockholm syndrome. I was trapped in this horrible relationship but did nothing to escape because I thought the things he said to me and the way he treated me was normal and what I deserved. It took me until the end of 2020 (a year after breaking up) to realize I was wrong. He was severely manipulative and toxic, he would gaslight me any chance he got. He made me feel stupid and horrible about myself then would blame me for it. He wasn’t in a fraternity which I think made him really self conscious and insecure in his masculinity, which resulted in him taking that out on me. He felt inferior to me because I was in a sorority and had a ‘great social life’, I had lots of friends and would go out every night. He felt excluded from that, which made him feel less-than, which resulted in his anger and actions. He made me hate myself so much more than I already did and I would cry and panic all night long, thinking I was this horrible person who didn’t deserve any nice things. I felt utterly insane for a year because he would invalidate and gaslight me so badly that I would think that I was making all my feelings up. I was already so fucked up that I couldn’t tell what was real or fake. I felt so fucking crazy, all because of him. I will never forget the way he talked and treated me, and how worthless I felt. I hated that I went through that but also glad because now I know that I should never be treated that way.”
Was this period of time your hardest?
“Yes, I wanted to physically be dead. I wanted to literally end my life. Nothing is worse than getting to that point, because it is so hard to come back from that. I would lay in bed, post panic attacks, and think about all the ways life would be better without me in it. I would constantly dream about my funeral and my death, which is really fucked up. I liked to put myself in really dangerous situations, secretly hoping I wouldn’t survive them. Life was a game to me and I literally didn’t care about winning. I’m also an extraordinary liar when it comes to my well-being and the way I present myself, so it was so easy to fool my friends and loved ones. I just seemed like the “fun flirty party girl” who likes to get drunk on Mondays, when in reality I was in so much pain. I felt this way for the majority of 2019, which was really exhausting and physically draining. Just thinking about it sometimes makes me tired.”
When did things start to get better?
“Things really started to look up at the end (December) of 2019 and the beginning of 2020. I was in a really solid friend group and meeting new people. I also had a job which created a nice routine for me. I started to find people who really liked and cared about me. Plus, I was out of my relationship which was a bonus. The friends I made during those times literally saved my life. It was the little actions like asking me how my day was, or coming to my house for lunch, or just wanting to walk around campus with me. They were people who were so genuinely themselves and they made me feel comfortable in myself as well. I was still dealing with so many things and having a really hard time, but it felt good to know that people cared and that I didn’t have to fake emotions and shit like that, I could just be myself I guess. Even if that meant being sad and depressed, they still loved me. I mainly made two best friends and they literally saved me, I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn't for them. They might not know that, but it's true.”
Where are you in your journey now?
“I’m still struggling but I’m further than where I was in 2019. This year has been really hard, obviously with the pandemic and everything going on. It's been hard. I lost a best friend which sent me multiple steps backwards, but having a support system has helped. I obviously have other things I deal with mentally, but being able to be home and working on myself has been good. The silver lining of this year has really been all the time I have, it's a way for me to organize my thoughts and feelings and really work through them. I still have a really long way until I can say I’m “better” but that doesn’t seem as far away now.”
What is one thing you wish you could tell your young self?
“So many things, oh my god. I would tell my younger self that it’s okay to talk to someone and that you’re not crazy!!!! I’ve always struggled, and I think a lot of people have, with the idea that our problems make us ‘crazy’. But they don't, they make us human. I would tell her that the things you’re feeling inside are okay and they don’t make you insane; it's okay to feel the way you feel. I would just say that, ‘It’s okay and you won’t always feel this way’. I would also tell her that she doesn’t deserve the pain and suffering, even if she thinks she does, she doesn’t. None of it is her fault.”
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS, PLEASE SEEK HELP.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Nation Institute of Mental Health - https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml
Adolescent Health - https://opa.hhs.gov/adolescent-health?adolescent-development/mental-health/index.html
Anxiety and Depression Association of America - https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/ask-and-learn/resources
University of Colorado at Boulder Mental Health - https://www.colorado.edu/orientation/2020/05/21/mental-health-resources-students
