Starving for Perfection
*TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER*
**Interviewee has asked to keep anonymity with this interview.**
The media is toxic in every way it could be. Whether it's some Alexis Ren and Jay Alvarrez bullshit that makes you lust for an unattainable love, or a Victoria’s Secret angel posing in a bra and thong that in reality only looks good on her. Through social media, fashion, and everyday life, girls and women constantly struggle with eating disorders. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, in the US alone, 9% of people will suffer from an eating disorder. Additionally, an eating disorder is the second most deadly mental illness, only second to opioid overdose. I was lucky enough to interview a close friend of mine about her struggles with Anorexia Nervosa, and how her recovery changed her life.
Tell me a little bit about your life when you were younger.
“I grew up in a super athletic family. Both my parents played college sports, and as the youngest of the family I was always roped into playing sports with my older siblings. At a super young age I was competitively playing field hockey, which I’ve been playing ever since. I think around the age of 4th grade I started noticing I looked different from others. When I look back, I honestly just had more muscle than half the girls I knew, but in my eyes I was just bigger. But at that age it wasn’t as prominent of an issue, as social media and those things weren’t in the picture for me yet.”
When did your anorexia start taking control? What was that like?
“It was fucking terrifying, but I didn’t know anything else. I think once middle school hit my ED controlled everything I did. It started slow, I would cut out certain foods and I was a total calorie counter. I remember sitting in the lunch room with my friends and I would eat half an orange and a bowl of lettuce for lunch. Which by the way, was my first meal of the day. It was easier for me to restrict eating in the morning because I would just roll out of bed and go sit in class for hours.
“The older I got, the worse it got, and in turn, the more demanding my sport became. My high school was nearly double the size of my middle school, which doubled my anxiety of eating around people. I would say around 9th grade my ED became almost like a secret obsession of mine. But I think in reality high school was when my close friends realized something was up. I would make up the dumbest excuses for not going out to dinner with them. I don’t know if it was that or just my overall weight loss that stuck out to them, but like a year later I was visibly unhealthy, and they got my parents involved.”
What was it like being a competitive athlete while struggling with anorexia?
“It was the only thing that was really keeping one foot in the door for me. Every single decision I made or action I took was based around my ED, but with field hockey I didn’t have to think about it. I know I said my anorexia was my secret obsession, but it was also my worst enemy. And competing took my mind off of it. I absolutely excelled on the field. I was a varsity starter from the first game of my 9th grade year, and I thrived under that pressure. I don’t necessarily think field hockey saved me from my ED, but it was something that got me out of my deep dark hole everyday. And my team was my second family.
“But with the amount I was restricting, I couldn’t gain muscle. I started realizing that a couple games into playing at the varsity level. I was like, I don’t know 14, playing against 18 year olds. I needed my body to be able to play at that level, but it couldn’t.”
How did you react when your friends intervened to get you help? How did that go down?
“At first I was absolutely fucking livid. Outwardly I was mad at my friends and my parents, but honestly (at the time) I was mad at myself for getting careless and like letting my secret obsession out.”
What did your parents do from there?
“From there my parents took me to my regular adolescent doctor. I’ll never forget it - she sat me down and told me if I don’t get help I won’t live much longer. That’s when I knew I needed help. It started as something so small and manifested into a death wish. I didn’t want to die. That doctor immediately suggested a residential eating disorder treatment. I had to leave half way through my sophomore year varsity season to go, and stayed there for a couple months. They let me go home on the holidays though which was nice, but definitely a test for me. After that treatment, I was able to go home and slowly integrate back into school and field hockey. Ever since I left the residential treatment I’ve been in therapy.”
What was it like coming out of residential care?
“It was definitely weird. Not to be cliche but I came back a new person. I didn’t have a 500 pound weight on my shoulder. I think it’s different everywhere, but my treatment facility didn’t allow phones, so when I came home I was so freaked out by the amount of texts and notifications I would get. I made a promise to myself when I came home I would delete social media apps, and give myself time before I went back on them. I think this was a major factor in my recovery because I wasn’t sitting on Instagram for 4+ hours a day idealizing other people’s bodies. I obviously got back into social media, but I make sure I don’t get sucked in. And I’m not really only anything besides Instagram and Snapchat. I haven’t yet gotten into Twitter or Tiktok or anything like that.
“Aside from social media, my friends, family, teammates, coaches, and teachers were super supportive and understanding. That was a privilege for me and a big step in my recovery too. I met people in my treatment facility that didn’t have those things to go home to.
“It also doesn’t end after the initial treatment. I still can find myself hitting points where I want to relapse, but through therapy I’ve learned how to handle those moments.”
What would you tell young girls struggling with anorexia, if you could?
“I would say talk to someone. A friend, a teacher, a coach. When you’re so wrapped up in an ED you can sometimes forget people care about you. And if you have the resources, get help as soon as possible. Don’t focus on the media and models, it is unbelievably fabricated. Everyone is fucking beautiful in their bodies. It's unique and it's you.”
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER, PLEASE GET HELP. IT CAN SAVE A LIFE.
National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorders (ANAD) https://anad.org/our-services/
